Redefining Cool

I'm constantly surprised
By how many people think
Getting away with something
Is smart.
Making a promise and not keeping it
Means nothing.
Being rude is cool.
That gentleness is a weakness.
That kindness means open to exploitation.
That being nice is being foolish.
That to be truly successful
Is to be selfish not self-full
To Always watch your back
To plan and plot and scheme
Not just to build your own empire
But to profit at another's expense
So they can get to the top faster.

What is this top that everyone is after?
If the journey involves
Piling up so much negative Karma
How can the destination grant happiness?

I want a different kind of journey.
The kind of journey that puts
Joy right in the middle of it.
I'm starting to see how once this happens
I don't seem to care too much about the destination.
The only certain destination I have is death.
While I'm on my way there
I want to go alive, punching, kicking
Laughing & crying
But feeling like I've lived my life
While I still had the chance.
That's the kind of cool I'm after.

a*k²

Of Masks & Layers

Turns out being who I am
Is the most difficult thing in the world.
Always has been.
How did we manage to create a society
That provides every incentive
For someone who fits in
And every punishment
For someone who doesn't?
How can everyone fit in?
How can it be that everyone
Is inherently how the world demands they be
So they can fit in?

Of Masks & Layers
Telling people what they want to hear
Convinced there's no way out.
Slipping in and out
One mask for this and another for that
Add a layer here to protect the self from abandonment
And another there for self-preservation
Oh will 20 layers suffice?
Or wait does that need to be 200?
What is the exact number?
There's got to be an algorithm for that!

Of Masks & Layers
So many masks and so many layers
To toe the line, to bend the knee.
To agree when you disagree
To say yes when you mean no
To become tired of getting
To the truth between the lies
To make promises, no intention to keep
But hey it was to keep the peace.

Of Masks & Layers
Consequences for betraying the self
Building up in the invisible bank account.
But wait my financials are strong.
Oh ok, yes I will pay off the loans one day.

Of all the Masks & all the Layers
Who am I on the inside?
Of every decision I let the world make for me
How many are truly mine?

- a*k²

The Journey Within

I know what you're looking for.
You think I can give it to you,
Because you think that I have found it.
But the more you look for yourself in me,
I will only disappoint you.
It was never mine to give you.
It was, is and always will be yours
To rediscover when you're brave enough
To make the journey within.
I can promise you this though,
Once you've found it,
You will do whatever it takes to keep it.
Just one glimpse of her
And I'm addicted.

a*k²

Because I Love You

So what would it look like?
"Like the ocean needs the sand
or a dirty old shoe that fits"
Somehow Darren Hayes always
Always seems to capture my feelings accurately.

I want the real thing.
Real and pure and true.
Nothing less will do.

When I find you,
It'll be magic and music and butterflies.
I'll feel like a little girl
Who fell in love for the very first time.
Because I've been looking for you
All my life through all the distractions.
Despite all the pain and suffering
I know that every new day is
A day closer to you
It's a day I want to live.
Yes for this but also for other reasons.
I'm here for a reason.
I may not know the exact specifics
For what is my life's journey.
But I'm confident I'll know soon enough.
Even if I don't,
If I manage to live this out until the end,
That will be no ordinary victory to me.

I know now that my life
Will always be about me first.
The more I love myself,
The more I can love you unconditionally.
The more I trust myself,
The more I can trust you.
The more I back myself,
The more I can back you.

When I close my eyes,
Your smiling face will be what I see.
And that will light me up from the inside
Because deep down loving you will be loving myself.
Because I will have what I waited for all my life.
Not as a dream, not as a deeply subconscious calling
But as a true manifestation in reality.

Bring It!

Steve Jobs famously said:

“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out 

your own inner voice."

It's fantastic really

How you're absolutely clear about what you want one moment

And the world around you sings in chorus 

Telling you/arguing with you

That they know what you want

And it's different from what you want for yourself.

Initially you let it go

Because you're sure you want what you want.

Slowly it begins to creep in on you though.

Then come the questions

That put you on the defensive

Until you find yourself

Convincing the whole world

About why you want what you want

Only to be told forcefully

That you can't possibly know what is right for you.

Going so far as to say

Let's assume I'm wrong

Even then, why don't I get to make a decision for my life?

When I believe body, heart, mind and soul

That it is the right thing for me to do

For myself and everyone concerned?

How did I get to where I started doubting myself?

How did I get to a place

Where I'm upset that I don't have what the world tells me to want

Even if I have everything I wanted when I started out?

Since when did other people's opinions

Become more important to me than my own?

How did I let this happen to myself?

How did I let the world convince me

That I want what they want for me?

I'm super puzzled 

And as the anger at myself for letting this happen to me subsides,

I'm starting to feel amused. 

I realize in my stupid feeling of superiority

I'd considered myself above all of this

Until this realization brings me to reality.

It's cool how the hard lessons you learn in life 

Teach you the beautiful virtue of humility.

This in a way that no spiritual discourse in the world can do.

It's not easy for me to admit defeat.

For all my gentleness and docility

I'm very strong and brave.

It used to be impossible for me to grasp that I've failed at something.

So long as you keep trying, you haven't failed no?

Again life teaches me that it's more graceful to concede

When it's clear you've lost. 

Sometimes yielding to something

Sets you free 

Because you're no longer fighting a phantom

And more than that, it closes a chapter in your head

To me I find the latter is more important. 

For every ending is but a new beginning

And then you can move forward with a clean slate.

Here it is, the truth in all its glorious simplicity,

Round one, I lose

Round two, we're on.

I know what I want.

I have to shut down other lesser alternatives

That keep me hanging 

That do not allow me to move forward in any meaningful way.

I have to say no to two steps forward, five steps back.

I have to visualize, create and walk my own path.

Earlier I'd have said it's because I don't settle for less.

Now I regret to admit I wish I could settle for less.

I believe this is the lowest life can bring me to;

I wish and send a prayer that I don't stand corrected.

My life would be so much easier if I could just settle.

And so it would be for everyone else.

The fact stands though that settling is not an option for me.

Going through what I believe to be right is the only alternative I have.

It's an alternative I uphold not because I choose to

But because it's the only way I know to live. 

Something as primal as that cannot be overridden

Not even by me. 

The sooner I accept that, I get to peace that much faster.

It's the only intelligent thing to do under the circumstances. 

Bring it

Give it all you've got

Because I'm sure as hell not going to be caught off guard this time. 

The tragedy here is

It's a defeat either way

Because I know you genuinely wish the best for me

And proving you wrong is going to hurt me more. 

Again, I have to do what I have to do. 

If I can do it without hurting you, 

That will be my biggest victory.

Leap of Faith

I'm starting to realize that each moment is precious.

It's precious because time is a collection of moments. 

And before you know it, time has past

And if time has past, so has life.

I used to write and write 

To express myself.

To rebel against the world.

To complain against all of the injustices

Meted out to me by people, life, destiny.

Each time I'd thought I'd been through the worst.

That the worst was behind me.

Until surprise surprise!

This time I realized that 

When you really go through something

And consistently too over a period of time,

You become quiet.

Like really quiet. 

You question everything in your head about what you believed was real.

Your fundamental belief system goes through a re-evaluation.

You're so caught up in disbelief

That you keep questioning reality.

Like your questioning it is going to change it.

Living in denial allows you some time

Time to understand that something has happened

That you thought would never happen to you.

But that's all there is to it.

You still have to get up the next day

And do the things you're supposed to.

I get it that there is no badge of honor

For getting through the most painful life experiences you go through.

There is no bonus or certificate or tangible rewards.

No one is clapping.

I get it, I gave my life to it, failed horribly

And have nothing to show for it. 

My hands are empty.

Thought I'd be further up on my journey by now

Than where I find myself now. 

Thought all it took was relentless hardwork

Determination and courage.

Now I understand 

That I cannot alter the course my life takes to my liking.

I cannot prevent all that I have to hear before I go. 

No matter if it crashes me.

No matter if the world collapses around me. 

At any point in time, I can only do my best. 

And trust that my best is good enough.

Sometimes acceptance is the key.

Sometimes fighting it brings me back

It does not propel me forward.

Sometimes acceptance is best. 

There is a reason why I went through what I did.

There is a reason why I'm going through what I am.

I may not know the reason now.

Maybe I'll never know. 

But believing there is a reason 

Helps me navigate today.

And for now, that is enough.

Maybe the lesson for me to learn

Is to not lament over what I don't have

But to appreciate what I still do.

Some times demand a leap of faith

Even if you have no evidence to believe.

Sometimes that's all you've got.

And maybe that's all you have 

Is because that's all you need.

That's all you need to survive this moment.

And as moments become time

And time becomes life

Hope I will have lived a good one.

By the standard of measure of

What I will consider as important

At that point in the future.

Only time will tell. 

And even if I fail

Maybe I could take refuge in the fact

That I lived out my destiny.

As bravely and as candidly as I could.

I fought each day for what I believed in

Maybe that will be my only victory.

There may be no audience to this victory

But it may be no ordinary victory to me. 

I Want Out

It's interesting how the prison you create for yourself
Can make freedom seem like a joke.
What I don't understand is
How can I not know when I'm in the prison
That I am in one?
Why is it that I need an aha! moment to realize
I've been in prison?
All I need to do is break down the imaginary walls.
Not such a big deal.
I'm sick and tired of living life by the carrot and stick analogy.
I do not want the carrot anymore.
Wanting something is after all the root cause for all misery.
And I refuse to let the stick inflict pain on me. Period.

But I still need the time somehow to wallow in self pity for a bit
To replay the exploitation I was subjected to
Because I allowed it.
And because I allowed it I'm responsible.

It's interesting how you tell yourself
That you won't let something happen to you
Because you learnt a lesson the hard way the first time.
You think and put every ounce of your energy
In preventing that thing from happening again
Only to understand that something else has happened
In the meantime and you could not prevent it.
Now you have another lesson learnt
And all of the tribulations to put behind you.
And start life all over again.
What's the point of this really?

I guess one thing that I understand
Is that I cannot prevent some things from happening.
They will happen no matter how hard I try to prevent them.
It's Karma that I have to pay off before I go
Oh and when it comes to Karma there are no shortcuts.
The only thing I can do to defeat Karma
Is to reduce the impact that it brings on my life.
To cut my losses from any situation
That I've been subjected to
As soon as possible and move on.
I want out and I'm out now.