You make me smile!

Don't know how you do it

But you make me smile.

That childlike smile.

I love it when you try so hard

To impress me. 

Or how you try to get my attention!

Every minute I spend with you

I breathe deeper.

Knowing that you are in my life

I sleep sounder.

Your undivided attention for me

Makes my heart beat softer.

With you next to me

I walk slower.

Dancing with you

My footstep's gotten lighter.

I savor life

Like I've never allowed myself to before.

My mind feels at rest

Like it's in a safe place.

When anything happens

You're the first person I want to tell!

Before I call, you do

Before I text, you do.

I've always fared better solo

I value my freedom above all else. 

But with you, it's different.

With you, I feel freer.

Like you'll always have my back

Like I have yours.

I've often thought that 

I'd choose to die a spinster

Loyal to the end 

To the man of my dreams

I'd never meet.

I didn't think 

Someone like you existed

But now that I know you do

I don't know what to do!

Don't know how you do it

But you make me smile.

That childlike smile.

a*k²

Chapters vs The Book

I'm starting to understand the difference
Between chapters and the book.
Certain people and situations can only be chapters.
I'm the book.

All the chaos in the world arises
When I try to force a chapter
To stay in the book.
When the chapter's contribution
To the book is complete,
It needs to go.

It's when I completely let go of the old chapters
Will I be able to make space to re-imagine a new destiny.
The key is to always remember
That I decide what happens next.
If I hand over the pen to someone else
They'll write the remaining chapters as it works for them
Maybe they'll even exclude me from my own story.

So now that I've taken responsibility for my own book
The chapters stay chapters.
Having said that
I eagerly await the arrival of
The new books that will take the shelf with me.
Maybe we'll be the same genre
Maybe we'll get put in the Spirituality division
Or Philosophy or maybe Art?
Or maybe we were written during a certain time-frame.
Maybe we'll all be hardbound
With all the life lessons learned to date.
For if there's one thing we've learnt
It's that we've got to be careful about who we trust
But maybe it won't prevent us
From being vulnerable
Because we understand that
It takes an open heart to love
For from vulnerability comes strength.

And maybe the new books as company
Will inspire better chapters in my story.
Maybe we'll teach each other a few tricks
To add more fun and joy.
Maybe we'll have a party
When the librarian's out!
Maybe we'll learn to sing and dance again
As the spark comes back into our eyes
Maybe we'll treasure each other
As we wink in understanding
Our respective journeys are what it took
To bring us here
And if this is where we get to end up
We'd gladly make peace with the journey thus far!

a*k²

Ghost Busting

Being ghosted by someone 

Who I thought I was going to marry

Has turned out to be the biggest blessing.

It put me in a state of inner turmoil for years

And significant cognitive dissonance might I add.

They were consistent for three months

Even if we only connected online.

They told me they wanted to marry me

And then bailed. Just like that.

To add insult to injury

They told me we could be friends

If I was at all interested on that level

Though they weren't sure if it would work

And anyway they were certain they were going to 

Find someone better than me.

Looking back it was such a stroke of genius

To blame someone else for their own lack of chivalry

To do the right thing.

To tell someone you weren't going to be able

To keep the promises you made

And that you were truly sorry.

Simple, straightforward and effective.

I'd respect this man 

Even if we didn't end up together.

In retrospect I love the beauty that is ghosting
For when the other person disappears
You're forced to do the most difficult thing in the world
To go inwards.
When the pain becomes unbearable
And the same lessons keep repeating
You break. Then you decide to choose different.
When I couldn't find justice through him
And din't know how to heal
I went inwards.

This brought out all the deeply hidden

Abandonment and self-worth issues to be healed.

They'd told me I wasn't good enough for them.

I'd have taken a bullet for this person at the time.

I'd told myself they'll realize my worth 

And come back one day

Like in the movies, books, poems and music.

They'll realize I was the one.

Now that I've had time to heal

I ask myself why would I want

To marry someone like this?

Flaky and sneaky at best.

Probably had someone else lined up

Even before they broke up with me.

Is this the kind of life partner I was seeking?

Why had I allowed them to set my worth?

When I started busting these ghosts

The ghoster had left behind

I started healing.

Discovered that closure from such a person

Meant nothing. 

They'd just lie some more. And backtrack.

And play again. Rinse. Repeat. Recycle.

I had nothing to prove to them or anyone else.

Oh and for the loving and loyal person that I am

If karma were to defend itself,

I certainly deserve better than them.

And as I understand self-love and self-worth

I'm realizing even if I don't find someone 

Worthy of my love and loyalty in this lifetime

I'm so much better off living out

The rest of my life on my own

Than with someone like them.

This toxicity I can do without.

So glad I had the guts to walk away

I was hurting. I was confused.

But I walked away. 

And stayed away.

And eventually found the courage within me

To learn the lessons life intended for me to learn 

From this ghoster custom-made for me

To teach me exactly what I needed to learn.

- a*k²

The knight in shining armor

I'd always looked for a knight in shining armor.
Someone who'd swoop in and save the day and me.
Except reflecting now, I realize
That the counterpart for the knight
Was the damsel in distress.
I was subconsciously playing this part
Until the knight was playing the gallant knight.
Until he knew how to treat a lady.
When he stopped doing the right thing,
The damsel left to take care of her own life.
Put together the pieces while hurting
But put together the pieces she did.

Also I realize now that the knights
Were just as wounded as she was
Because like attracts like
They didn't know any better.
She tried to save them instead
Until she realized she couldn't.
Only they could do that for them
Like only she could heal herself.
Lose-lose situation was therefore the only outcome.

The damsel then made the decision to upgrade
To the Queen that she's always been
Not just because she'd earned her own living
But more importantly for who she is
And what she's stood for against all odds.

Soon enough the newly self-aware Queen
Realized that only a King
In his true power can be her counterpart.
Their moral compasses align.
They're independent not codependent
They love themselves
They know who they are
And know what they're worth.
They build their world together as equals
Always being there but never dominating.
Always remembering
That self love was their first responsibility
And thereby not deriving their supply of
Happiness or worth from their partner
Carefully hand-crafted by life for each other
They treasured what they shared
More than any material riches this world could offer.
They found a different kind of fairy-tale ending those two
As they loved happily ever after.