Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Leap of Faith

I'm starting to realize that each moment is precious.
It's precious because time is a collection of moments. 
And before you know it, time has past
And if time has past, so has life.

I used to write and write 
To express myself.
To rebel against the world.
To complain against all of the injustices
Meted out to me by people, life, destiny.
Each time I'd thought I'd been through the worst.
That the worst was behind me.
Until surprise surprise!

This time I realized that 
When you really go through something
And consistently too over a period of time,
You become quiet.
Like really quiet. 
You question everything in your head about what you believed was real.
Your fundamental belief system goes through a re-evaluation.
You're so caught up in disbelief
That you keep questioning reality.
Like your questioning it is going to change it.
Living in denial allows you some time
Time to understand that something has happened
That you thought would never happen to you.
But that's all there is to it.
You still have to get up the next day
And do the things you're supposed to.

I get it that there is no badge of honor
For getting through the most painful life experiences you go through.
There is no bonus or certificate or tangible rewards.
No one is clapping.
I get it, I gave my life to it, failed horribly
And have nothing to show for it. 
My hands are empty.
Thought I'd be further up on my journey by now
Than where I find myself now. 
Thought all it took was relentless hardwork
Determination and courage.

Now I understand 
That I cannot alter the course my life takes to my liking.
I cannot prevent all that I have to hear before I go. 
No matter if it crashes me.
No matter if the world collapses around me. 
At any point in time, I can only do my best. 
And trust that my best is good enough.

Sometimes acceptance is the key.
Sometimes fighting it brings me back
It does not propel me forward.
Sometimes acceptance is best. 

There is a reason why I went through what I did.
There is a reason why I'm going through what I am.
I may not know the reason now.
Maybe I'll never know. 
But believing there is a reason 
Helps me navigate today.
And for now, that is enough.

Maybe the lesson for me to learn
Is to not lament over what I don't have
But to appreciate what I still do.
Some times demand a leap of faith
Even if you have no evidence to believe.
Sometimes that's all you've got.
And maybe that's all you have 
Is because that's all you need.
That's all you need to survive this moment.

And as moments become time
And time becomes life
Hope I will have lived a good one.
By the standard of measure of
What I will consider as important
At that point in the future.
Only time will tell. 

And even if I fail
Maybe I could take refuge in the fact
That I lived out my destiny.
As bravely and as candidly as I could.
I fought each day for what I believed in
Maybe that will be my only victory.
There may be no audience to this victory
But it may be no ordinary victory to me. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

I Want Out

It's interesting how the prison you create for yourself
Can make freedom seem like a joke.
What I don't understand is
How can I not know when I'm in the prison
That I am in one?
Why is it that I need an aha! moment to realize
I've been in prison?
All I need to do is break down the imaginary walls.
Not such a big deal.
I'm sick and tired of living life by the carrot and stick analogy.
I do not want the carrot anymore.
Wanting something is after all the root cause for all misery.
And I refuse to let the stick inflict pain on me. Period.

But I still need the time somehow to wallow in self pity for a bit
To replay the exploitation I was subjected to
Because I allowed it.
And because I allowed it I'm responsible.

It's interesting how you tell yourself
That you won't let something happen to you
Because you learnt a lesson the hard way the first time.
You think and put every ounce of your energy
In preventing that thing from happening again
Only to understand that something else has happened
In the meantime and you could not prevent it.
Now you have another lesson learnt
And all of the tribulations to put behind you.
And start life all over again.
What's the point of this really?

I guess one thing that I understand
Is that I cannot prevent some things from happening.
They will happen no matter how hard I try to prevent them.
It's Karma that I have to pay off before I go
Oh and when it comes to Karma there are no shortcuts.
The only thing I can do to defeat Karma
Is to reduce the impact that it brings on my life.
To cut my losses from any situation
That I've been subjected to
As soon as possible and move on.
I want out and I'm out now.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

My Strength My Own

I don't understand my need to be a rebel
To the point of being a rebel without a cause sometimes.
Or is there no cause? Really?
I believe a person's individuality is extremely important
To have the courage to stay true to oneself
To not lose myself in something just because
Everyone else is doing it.
I will not do anything just for the sake of fitting in
Not until I want to do it for myself.
That's the only way I will honor myself,
And any other opportunity, person or situation I maybe associated to.
I live life on my own terms
And refuse to give up on it for anything else.
Idealism may not have a place in the world
But it's the center of my world.
I refuse to let myself be mediocre
And accept mediocrity from others
Thereby not helping them but preventing them
From discovering what they're capable of-
What they can be really.
What if it's not a losing battle that I'm fighting?
What if it's the only way I know how to live?
I choose not to be destroyed
The last samurai or not
I choose to stand up for what I believe in.

Thursday, May 9, 2013


I realize I've come far far away
From home.
A home that somehow I could not call my own.
Where I am now is home?
I am not so sure anymore.
When you want something dearly
And you don't get it,
It feels like a cool and practical thing to do
To claim to the world
That you don't want it.
Not having what you don't want cannot hurt you no?
And I guess when you strongly wish
To believe something
You can fool yourself into believing it too
For a bit.
But then one day you realize
That it was a forced belief
And no matter how hard you try
You still have to confront the fact
That you still don't have what you started out to get.
With that comes the realization too
That you really actually do need it.
That your life would be much better with it.
There's no denying it
Or going around it anymore.
But what really hurts is you have no idea
How and if you will get it.
You are no closer to getting it now than you were years ago.

Except, you feel like you've gone around a circle
Come back to where you started
Growing in experience
Through pain
But still with nothing tangible in your hands
To call your own
For the pain you went through.
Also, with the pain comes the knowledge
That to expose yourself to uncertainty
& to take the risk that you must necessarily take
To try to get that which you long for
Is likely to lead to more pain.
The odds are it's going to cause more hurt
Than healing going by the past experience.

I know it's intelligent to give up without trying
When you know the odds are not in your favor.
But what to do with the glimmer of hope
That I am cursed with?
How to get rid of it
Without going through disillusionment
One more time?

Time is the only answer to
How my life will turn out.
And for my Karma
I will pay.

All I want to do now
Is to find my home.
A home I can call my own
A home where I feel safe, cared for and protected.
A home that can finally take away all of the hurts
And heal me to sleep.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Same Mistake

Have you had a situation in life
Where you made the same mistake many times
Never learning from it
Because it promised you a future
A future you built in your head?
A future very dear to you
And by that very definition very close to your heart?
Lured by that bait, you allowed yourself
To be fooled over and over again?
How many more times should you repeat it
Before it finally dawns on you
That it's a pipe dream?
Or is it just that one more chance?
One more try for it to work?
Or is it never going to work?
To be honest, can you make it work by trying?
Shouldn't that be natural? Then why should you make it work?
If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't?
How can you be sure of either?
Or if you're not sure, then it isn't?
Do you trust the same person twice?
If they were able to break you once
Why won't they do it again?
What's the guarantee?
Is it better then to give a fresh chance to another stranger?
How do you explain to yourself
The compulsive need to be confused
Because confusion still gives you hope?
So you don't cut the cord and string along with hope.
Is hope a good thing then in this context
Or is it the straight route to disillusionment?
But then if you really want something you don't have
Surely you have the right to hope or wish for it?
What are the odds I'll find the one?
I am now willing to bet that the odds of the one finding me are better.
I have to stop looking
I have to stop hoping
I have to have faith
Unconditional faith in the unknown
To deliver when the time is right.
Because I have to believe that it's true
And belief and doubt don't co-exist.
Because what's mine is mine and what isn't mine is never going to become mine?
But then what is mine really?
What did I bring into the world for me to claim as mine?
More importantly what is it that I'm going to take away?
Then the whole concept of belonging to someone is a sham?

As always I turn to spirituality
To answer the questions science can't explain.
I believe the purpose of my life is to flow
Flow unhindered
Flow without fear
Flow without holding on to people or things
Flow without stagnation
Accepting everything that comes my way
Float with joy
Knowing that eventually
I'll find my way home.
True to my nature
I prepare for the other possibility too.
Even if I don't reach my destination
Maybe my hope will be enough to get me through the journey.
Maybe when I do reach the end of the journey
I will find that the journey was destination enough.

29 July, 2012

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Know Why

I was demanding something out of life.
Something that I thought was mine to ask.
Something that I thought I was ready for.
Now I know I was not.
Now I know I am still not
Because I haven't yet found what I was looking for.
Now I know it's a good thing I did not get what I wanted.
I'd have messed up what I had
Had I gotten what I was looking for when I was looking for it.

For once in my life,
I appreciate that life's timing is not my timing.
There will be a time lag between
When I ask for something out of life
And when life decides to bestow what I want on me.
And that's a good thing
Because there are things running in the background
That I need to understand
Things not necessarily immediately apparent
To the eye of reasoning.

I trust life's timing
I know now it's better than my understanding
Of my own needs and desires at any point in time.
I'm willing to wait for what I want
For as long as is necessary
Simply because I know now
That I need to learn what I need to learn
While I wait for what I want.

I will ask for what I want from you life
I know I will update what I want too
Based on my experience of what
You are teaching me.
My priorities will change.
My needs will change.

All I know is I will celebrate
Whatever it is that you give me
When you choose to give me
Because that may not be what I asked for
But certainly that's what's best for me in the bigger scheme of things.

I thank you life
For the time lag
I thank you for looking out for me
I thank you for having my back.
I honor your will
And I rejoice in your judgment.


Monday, March 19, 2012

I Trust in You

I don't know who you are
How old, how you look, where you are right now.
I know I can't find you just by looking for you
Or wishing for you.
I have to wait it out
And learn all that I have to
So I can appreciate what you are
When you find me.

I know I want to give up
To settle for much much less than what I started out to get.
All the disappointments, disillusionment,
All the people in my life who want me to give up
Who don't want me to believe you exist
Will never get to me because I know
I have to trust in you.

I trust in you
To find me
I trust you are the only one for me in this lifetime
Because with you I can be me
And not have to worry
About the zillion other things
Other women in the world worry about
But refuse to admit even to themselves.

I will wait for you
Maybe even forever
Because I know there's no one else
I can live with.
I know you are the one for me
I don't have a choice but to trust in you.
To be honest, that is the truth.

I trust in you.