Home

I realize I've come far far away
From home.
A home that somehow I could not call my own.
Where I am now is home?
I am not so sure anymore.
When you want something dearly
And you don't get it,
It feels like a cool and practical thing to do
To claim to the world
That you don't want it.
Not having what you don't want cannot hurt you no?
And I guess when you strongly wish
To believe something
You can fool yourself into believing it too
For a bit.
But then one day you realize
That it was a forced belief
And no matter how hard you try
You still have to confront the fact
That you still don't have what you started out to get.
With that comes the realization too
That you really actually do need it.
That your life would be much better with it.
There's no denying it
Or going around it anymore.
But what really hurts is you have no idea
How and if you will get it.
You are no closer to getting it now than you were years ago.

Except, you feel like you've gone around a circle
Come back to where you started
Growing in experience
Through pain
But still with nothing tangible in your hands
To call your own
For the pain you went through.
Also, with the pain comes the knowledge
That to expose yourself to uncertainty
& to take the risk that you must necessarily take
To try to get that which you long for
Is likely to lead to more pain.
The odds are it's going to cause more hurt
Than healing going by the past experience.

I know it's intelligent to give up without trying
When you know the odds are not in your favor.
But what to do with the glimmer of hope
That I am cursed with?
How to get rid of it
Without going through disillusionment
One more time?

Time is the only answer to
How my life will turn out.
And for my Karma
I will pay.

All I want to do now
Is to find my home.
A home I can call my own
A home where I feel safe, cared for and protected.
A home that can finally take away all of the hurts
And heal me to sleep.

The Same Mistake

Have you had a situation in life
Where you made the same mistake many times
Never learning from it
Because it promised you a future
A future you built in your head?
A future very dear to you
And by that very definition very close to your heart?
Lured by that bait, you allowed yourself
To be fooled over and over again?
How many more times should you repeat it
Before it finally dawns on you
That it's a pipe dream?
Or is it just that one more chance?
One more try for it to work?
Or is it never going to work?
To be honest, can you make it work by trying?
Shouldn't that be natural? Then why should you make it work?
If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't?
How can you be sure of either?
Or if you're not sure, then it isn't?
Do you trust the same person twice?
If they were able to break you once
Why won't they do it again?
What's the guarantee?
Is it better then to give a fresh chance to another stranger?
How do you explain to yourself
The compulsive need to be confused
Because confusion still gives you hope?
So you don't cut the cord and string along with hope.
Is hope a good thing then in this context
Or is it the straight route to disillusionment?
But then if you really want something you don't have
Surely you have the right to hope or wish for it?
What are the odds I'll find the one?
I am now willing to bet that the odds of the one finding me are better.
I have to stop looking
I have to stop hoping
I have to have faith
Unconditional faith in the unknown
To deliver when the time is right.
Because I have to believe that it's true
And belief and doubt don't co-exist.
Because what's mine is mine and what isn't mine is never going to become mine?
But then what is mine really?
What did I bring into the world for me to claim as mine?
More importantly what is it that I'm going to take away?
Then the whole concept of belonging to someone is a sham?


As always I turn to spirituality
To answer the questions science can't explain.
I believe the purpose of my life is to flow
Flow unhindered
Flow without fear
Flow without holding on to people or things
Flow without stagnation
Accepting everything that comes my way
Float with joy
Knowing that eventually
I'll find my way home.
True to my nature
I prepare for the other possibility too.
Even if I don't reach my destination
Maybe my hope will be enough to get me through the journey.
Maybe when I do reach the end of the journey
I will find that the journey was destination enough.


Archie
29 July, 2012

I Know Why

I was demanding something out of life.

Something that I thought was mine to ask.

Something that I thought I was ready for.

Now I know I was not.

Now I know I am still not

Because I haven't yet found what I was looking for.

Now I know it's a good thing I did not get what I wanted.

I'd have messed up what I had

Had I gotten what I was looking for when I was looking for it.

For once in my life,

I appreciate that life's timing is not my timing.

There will be a time lag between

When I ask for something out of life

And when life decides to bestow what I want on me.

And that's a good thing

Because there are things running in the background

That I need to understand

Things not necessarily immediately apparent

To the eye of reasoning.

I trust life's timing

I know now it's better than my understanding

Of my own needs and desires at any point in time.

I'm willing to wait for what I want

For as long as is necessary

Simply because I know now

That I need to learn what I need to learn

While I wait for what I want.

I will ask for what I want from you life

I know I will update what I want too

Based on my experience of what

You are teaching me.

My priorities will change.

My needs will change.

All I know is I will celebrate

Whatever it is that you give me

When you choose to give me

Because that may not be what I asked for

But certainly that's what's best for me in the bigger scheme of things.

I thank you life

For the time lag

I thank you for looking out for me

I thank you for having my back.

I honor your will

And I rejoice in your judgment.

Archie

I Trust in You

I don't know who you are

How old, how you look, where you are right now.

I know I can't find you just by looking for you

Or wishing for you.

I have to wait it out

And learn all that I have to

So I can appreciate what you are

When you find me.

I know I want to give up

To settle for much much less than what I started out to get.

All the disappointments, disillusionment,

All the people in my life who want me to give up

Who don't want me to believe you exist

Will never get to me because I know

I have to trust in you.

I trust in you

To find me

I trust you are the only one for me in this lifetime

Because with you I can be me

And not have to worry

About the zillion other things

Other women in the world worry about

But refuse to admit even to themselves.

I will wait for you

Maybe even forever

Because I know there's no one else

I can live with.

I know you are the one for me

I don't have a choice but to trust in you.

To be honest, that is the truth.

I trust in you.

Archie

Believer

I want to be a believer

I want to believe that good things can and will happen to me.

And just because they happened, they are not going to go away.

I want to believe that my present and future are not dictated by my past.

I do not want to punish someone for someone else's mistakes

Or for the lessons life determined I should learn.

I wish to be naive, I want to believe once more.

How do I let go of fear?

How do I learn to trust once again?

To have faith when an aspect of my life

Has always broken me without fail?

What is going to make this time different?

I feel like I am going to fall

From a greater height this time

I do fear I won't survive

But I know I will.

I wish this is the last time I have to trust and not see it break

And pray what's in my life is here to stay.

Archie

Everything to be me

I'd trade everything in my life
For just one thing
And that one thing is the freedom to be me.
I let go of me to see
If I can do things that allow me to fit in
To get what I want.
But there's only so much time I can play that role.
Before long, I come back to who I need to be to survive
And I am one complicated person
Oh boy I love me!
To be honest, I would not have me any other way.
I've become the redoubtable pragmatist
I wanted to be sometime ago.
I've learnt to walk away
To give in, to learn, to study,
To rationalize, to understand,
To let go, to come back, to find the middle ground,
To laugh, to go the depths of misery, enjoy it,
Come back out,
While keeping my normal life going.
To work through confused emotions,
To find a way with confused people,
To put myself on the line,
To protect myself,
To change me, yet not change me,
To lose me, to find me again.
I've not become anything great to celebrate
But I've never been more proud
Of the person I have become.

A Little More Love

The world the way I see it

Can use a little more love.

I wish people could focus on the long term

And understand that human relationships matter.

The world can use more people

Who can be happy with another person's happiness

Even if it could mean a loss to them.

Who can find success in another person's success.

That there could be some way for people

To just for once empathize.

To just for once put another person's needs before their own,

Because that person is important.

I wish for people to treat other people as people

Not as assets or a means to close a transaction.

I wish for people to not control another

But to care and nurture.

It's becoming a lonely world

With all relationships bordering on the mutual exchange of benefits.

So long as you do what the other expects of you,

You are great!

The moment you have a mind of your own,

You are on your own.

There is not such a thing as unconditional love or acceptance.

It's about using another to get to their end

And then just discarding them until you need them again.

I ask the world for a little more love,

A little more love to make my day.

Cheers!

Archie