I will be fine

In many ways
I have always changed
Once I find who I want to be.
It takes me forward in a way
That I don't feel the need to turn around and look.
I am surprised at how much I have changed
Within the boundaries I have set for myself.
It makes me feel proud when I
See how far I have gotten on my own.
The more I think about it,
I find that I am probably happiest on my own.
When I have just me
There is no one to let me down
No one to blame me
No one to judge
No one to dream with
To see those dreams shatter.
No false promises
No unrealistic expectations.
But I do have a little girl inside of me
Who'd love to be protected and loved.
That little girl is going away from me
More and more every time I am let down.
Is this what is growing up?
Giving up on a fairy tale
To face reality?
I accept this phase of my life too
As I change once more
To be who I need to be.
I hope someone finds me
Before the little girl goes away forever.
I know I am going to make a wonderful woman
Or hang on, have I already become one?

Archie
12 Oct, 2010

I FEEL BEAUTIFUL

For the first time in my life

I feel really beautiful.

It's not that everything in my life is sorted.

Honestly, nor do I want it to be.

If I could plan in advance

What my life was meant to be

And it worked according to that plan

I'd be limiting my life to how much I can plan.

I want to be able to

Watch with wonder as life unfolds before me.

I want to experience the possibilities

That I did not think could happen.

I am surprised at what the universe

Manifests for me when I have done my best.

It's not exactly what I wanted

Or what I was hoping for

But somehow I know it's for my benefit.

When I will look back at current events

In my future

I'm sure I will know it all worked out for the best.

I feel beautiful

I feel beautiful inside.

Archie

11 August 2010

Want To Make a Mistake

This one time

I just wanna let go.

This one time

I want to do what my heart wants me to do.

Being away from home

In a foreign country

Lets me explore a new identity.

Do I want to change?

Must I be one of them to be with them?

Can I do what I want to now

And let go?

What about the repercussions for others?

Does that mean I will be playing with them?

This one time

I just wanna let go.

This one time

I just wanna have some fun.

This one time

I do not want to stop myself

By logically thinking through

The repercussions of my actions.

This one time

Just let me go.

Whatever Happened?

In the world that we live in today

I honestly wish that bravery were not an old fashioned word.

I seek hopefully every time to

Only be disappointed

When another person I trusted

Runs away from facing the reality.

When things get really bad,

I find myself to be one of very few still standing.

It's now happened so often

That I have begun to question

If there is such a thing as integrity in the world.

Whatever happened to standing up for what is right

No matter what the consequence?

Whatever happened to speaking the truth

When you know it is going to get you into trouble?

Whatever happened to taking on people your own size?

Whatever happened to taking a stand

To protect the victim against the bully?

Whatever happened to the concept of a fair fight?

Whatever happened to looking at the larger good?

Whatever happened to being responsible for your words or actions?

Whatever happened to being nice at least to nice people?

I am made to feel like a fool sometimes

When I display any of the above characteristics.

But I am not going to let that make me cynical.

I know I am right and

I know this is the only way I know to live.

I know there are others out there

Who still believe in doing what is right

Over winning a battle that they have already lost

In the process of winning it.

I know I am appreciated for who I am.

But more than that

I know I need to sleep at night

And having a clear conscience

Gets me closer to that goal.

This is who I am.

But more importantly

This is who I choose to be.

Archie

Not a goodbye

I have been through times in my life

That have made me wonder

If there is such a thing as a goodbye.

Who decides when you let go?

Is it totally you, situations or something else?

How often have you had to return to

Something you had let go?

It's a humbling experience in life

To revisit places that you intended

To say goodbye to.

However, if the alternative to leave

Is worse than what you have to face to stay,

Trust me you will choose to stay.

And trust me again,

You will know how to face it.

When you know you have to deal

With something and accept it as reality,

You will find the strength in you to face it.

Either you can face it by hiding

Or face it bravely and tackle it head on.

When you choose to let go is not your choice.

But how to deal with facing reality is most certainly yours.

And I ain't cribbing!

Archie

30 March, 2010

The Invisible Thread

The thread that links,
The thread that captures and retains,
The thread that replays memories,
The thread that just won't snap
Not until you've made every effort to move on
That thread is your past.

Of course, they say life is a choice,
You always have a choice.
But if that choice is to hang in the balance
And not to move on?
What if it's to replay the sad tunes
And not the happy rhythms?
Argh, hehe why do I always have to
Get stuck in the rhetoric?
It's weird cos I hate it that
I have all the answers.
I am always caught in the realms of ironies.
I know exactly what I need to do
So I can't even feign ignorance.

Does it make it better or
Worse to know the answers?
Sometimes you can never tell.
But what is worst?
Ah, I know that for sure.
No matter how I get out
Or how much further I go away
From this predicament of not
Wanting to let go
Long after they've let go of me
I keep revisiting this space.
With a different circumstance every time
If that's a consolation.

I'd like to vacate this place of willful
Self destruction once and for all.
Because I know this experience
Saps me of my energy, skill and bravery.
It pushes me back in time
From where it is that much harder
For me to catch up from where I left off.

Maybe it's life's way of
Getting me skilled in
The art of letting go.
I must say I have a few tricks
Up my sleeve now.
I am learning
But nobody said learning'd be fun
And boy, it isn't!

I have a long way to go, yes.
I am a sensible and practical person, yes.
Too much self respect for my own good, yes.
So move on, I will.
I only hope this is the last time
Life forces me to move on.
I sincerely pray that the
Next time will be the time
I can have what I want for keeps.
I hope I never have to let go of what I love again.
hmmm, why do I have a nagging suspicion
I'm asking for too much?
Hehe, bring it on life
I will face you.

Archie
4 October, 2009

TAKING CONTROL

I want to go back to me.

I wish to be what I was once

Trusting and naive.

Seeing and believing

Without condition,

Without sarcasm and scepticism,

Without a past,

Without a memory,

I want to go back to me.

I've had enough

Of indecisive people

Who seem to be perpetually confused.

It's scary for me to see

I may be one of them.

Not deciding seems to give so much freedom.

Until I have decided

I can imagine all options

To be valid courses of action

And derive pleasure from that.

Except that's not the truth.

Peace does not stem from confusion.

It stems from clarity.

It's that clarity

That eludes me.

It's worse because I know

I'm consciously and sub-consciously

Wishing to be confused.

But now I know

I've had enough of the dilly-dallying.

I want clarity. I want peace.

I am not losing sleep over confusion.

I make my decision now.

I will only give it an hour

To sink in.

Archie

10 July, 2009