TAKING CONTROL

I want to go back to me.

I wish to be what I was once

Trusting and naive.

Seeing and believing

Without condition,

Without sarcasm and scepticism,

Without a past,

Without a memory,

I want to go back to me.

I've had enough

Of indecisive people

Who seem to be perpetually confused.

It's scary for me to see

I may be one of them.

Not deciding seems to give so much freedom.

Until I have decided

I can imagine all options

To be valid courses of action

And derive pleasure from that.

Except that's not the truth.

Peace does not stem from confusion.

It stems from clarity.

It's that clarity

That eludes me.

It's worse because I know

I'm consciously and sub-consciously

Wishing to be confused.

But now I know

I've had enough of the dilly-dallying.

I want clarity. I want peace.

I am not losing sleep over confusion.

I make my decision now.

I will only give it an hour

To sink in.

Archie

10 July, 2009

Me Liberated

I have waited for the world
To give me protection.
I have waited all my life for that one sweet word.
But now, I change my mind.
I am my own protector.
I depend on me.
Destiny never meant for anyone
To care about me
Because it knew.
It knows that I can take care of myself.
I can stand up no matter
What challenge it is that life throws at me.
But there is still this lingering suspicion
In my mind.
Am I pushing people away?
Am I scared to let people in
Because I fear another let down or betrayal?
My inner self knows
That this allegation framed against me is true.
I do not wish to deny it either.
But if you care for someone
Won't you break down the wall
That they have built around themselves?
It's a little like people come
Understand that it will be difficult to get me to believe
And leave.
What's worse? They choose another
To take my place,
Like I do not even matter.
That does not deter me.
I depend on me.
I will face the world on my own.
Thanks anyway. ;)

Archie, dated 28 November, 2008

I'M GONNA BE OK

What was I thinking,
Having blind faith in a person
Who is the biggest loser on the planet?
Makes me believe that having unconditional faith
Is a bad thing.
Why you ask?
Because there is no such thing as blind faith.
Even faith to make sense in this world
Has to be conditional.
But why do I have to learn every lesson
In my life the hard way?
By going through it myself?
Do not remind me
In my blind faith
I was blind and deaf to what the world was saying.
I have learned my lesson
Except I'm not happy about it.
But there's one thing I'm happy about,
What goes around comes around!
Watch your back I daresay! :D

Cheers,
Archie dated 3 September, 2008.

A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS

The Journey

It is often said
The journey is more important
Than the destination.
Well, if the journey is this bad
The destination had better be good.

Dated 27 February, 2008

Why doesn't anybody understand, when I am
complaining I just wanna be listened to.
So, stop giving me solutions. You can try
 telling me how good I am instead. Trust me,
it will work much better than fault
 finding and exhortation.

Why is it so difficult to admit to
 having made a mistake?

Why do some people derive pleasure
in making life difficult for others?

Why is it that some people refuse
to see beneath the surface? The
reality stares back at them
through a veil and they refuse to
see the truth for what it is.

Why do absolute deceit and absolute
faith so often have such a thin line
between them?

Why is it so difficult for some to
offer words of comfort or empathize?
As humans aren't we well equipped for
the task? If you don't understand this,
try listening when a person is upset
 with you. Don't expect them to
say it, just observe them with compassion 
and you'll find what they want through
 the chaff. And most often,
it's not something expensive.

Tell me to do it and you will find me
 decided not to do it. Tell me not to do it,
you'll find I've done it already.

Why can't some people understand you no
matter how long they've lived with you?
They just refuse to accept you for
who you are.

DON'T TELL ME

Don't tell me
I am wrong
When I admit my mistake.
When I'm saying I won't
Repeat it, I mean it.
Don't preach!
I do not claim to know everything.
I never said I will always do what is right.
Cut me some slack.
I am just finding my way through life.
Taking it one step at a time
So I am not overwhelmed
By the sheer magnitude of what
I have to achieve.
Did I say I have to?
I meant I choose to.
Doing what I choose to do is
Taking a lot out of me.
I feel like I am losing a part
Of myself in
Trying to become what I want to be.
I don't wish to give so much.
But I guess I will have to sacrifice
If I want to get to where I want to.
Or at least people who genuinely care
About me want me to get to.

If I make mistakes on the way,
I will learn from them myself.
I am not omniscient
Neither do I want to be.
So don't tell me.
Don't preach.

Archana, 12 May, 2008

HOPE

For the first time in my life
I have hope.
Hope that the future is going
To be better than my past,
Better than my present.

What life had put me through
Had me convinced
That I deserved nothing good.
That anything good
That occasionally happened
Had happened by accident.
That the good things in my life would
Go away never to come back.

But now I have hope.
Lame though it sounds
I have faith in a person whom
I have not even met.
A person who will care for me.
Someone who would never
Let go of me despite my idiosyncrasies.
Somebody who will love me
For who I am.
Somebody who will create so
Much faith for himself in me
That I can laugh at my own insecurities.
Somebody who will find my imperfections so perfect
That I can actually let go of the feeling of being inferior.
That I can be myself with him
And never have to fear abandonment.

Somebody whom I'd give my life for
For loyalty is in my blood.
Somebody, whom I will
Love, cherish and protect
For as long as I live.

Archana, 9 May, 2008

I LET GO

I let go of the past
That involves you and your deceit.
I let go of the feeling I cherished for you.

I never even looked at you.
It was you who made me fall in love
Like I can never love again.
Then, you spun an intricate web around me
Only to deceive.

If it was another
You wanted all along
Why look at me
Like you cared?
Here I was thinking
That I was special
That you could not talk to me
Because you were shy!
What a fool you must have thought of me!
And what a fool I have been
To not believe the world
And believe the look in your eyes.

I am happy
It's over
And you broke the spell
Had it been me, I'd have felt guilty
For letting you down for the rest of my life!
I find misunderstandings a lot harder to forgive than deceit.
You do not deserve me
That I know now.

What I cannot explain to myself
Is how did I have that kind of
Blind faith in you?
When I find it hard to trust most individuals
Even after a trial by fire?
It makes me believe
You did care for me once
Because my intuition could not have let me down.
Something happened that changed your mind about our relationship.
But that does not acquit you of betraying me.
And it makes me angry with myself for
Making excuses for you
After the way you treated me
And wasted my life.
Makes me believe
Love is blind.

You start a new life
With the other person.
Make sure you do not let her down.
She may not be as kind as me
To let you go as I did.

I have just one problem
I am not able to overcome.
How do I listen to the songs again that
I have associated with you?
How do I move away from
The world I created for us?

I am a strong girl.
I know I can move on.
Move on I will.
I do not blame you
Because I do not want my heart
To hold any resentment
That I cannot moderate.
While it lasted it was beautiful.
Now that it's over
I don't regret it.

Archana, dated 29/4/08