Thursday, May 9, 2013


I realize I've come far far away
From home.
A home that somehow I could not call my own.
Where I am now is home?
I am not so sure anymore.
When you want something dearly
And you don't get it,
It feels like a cool and practical thing to do
To claim to the world
That you don't want it.
Not having what you don't want cannot hurt you no?
And I guess when you strongly wish
To believe something
You can fool yourself into believing it too
For a bit.
But then one day you realize
That it was a forced belief
And no matter how hard you try
You still have to confront the fact
That you still don't have what you started out to get.
With that comes the realization too
That you really actually do need it.
That your life would be much better with it.
There's no denying it
Or going around it anymore.
But what really hurts is you have no idea
How and if you will get it.
You are no closer to getting it now than you were years ago.

Except, you feel like you've gone around a circle
Come back to where you started
Growing in experience
Through pain
But still with nothing tangible in your hands
To call your own
For the pain you went through.
Also, with the pain comes the knowledge
That to expose yourself to uncertainty
& to take the risk that you must necessarily take
To try to get that which you long for
Is likely to lead to more pain.
The odds are it's going to cause more hurt
Than healing going by the past experience.

I know it's intelligent to give up without trying
When you know the odds are not in your favor.
But what to do with the glimmer of hope
That I am cursed with?
How to get rid of it
Without going through disillusionment
One more time?

Time is the only answer to
How my life will turn out.
And for my Karma
I will pay.

All I want to do now
Is to find my home.
A home I can call my own
A home where I feel safe, cared for and protected.
A home that can finally take away all of the hurts
And heal me to sleep.


Akx said...

'When you want something dearly
And you don't get it,'
...You can't seem to care about the things you do have.

On the one hand, it seems like I've nailed the perfect relationship. But on the other, I know I haven't found complete peace with my profession yet, because deep down, I want to take a risk and do something artsy without caring about bank balances and reputations.

I know objectively that the latter's probably easier to land than the former, which depends almost entirely on luck and timing. But I tend to obsess about what I don't have, rather than what I've already solved.

I totally understand how the part of your life that isn't yet resolved seems to take over all your mind space, till the whole thing feels completely hopeless. And I don't have a solution for you, unfortunately. But I do want to say I admire you for putting down exactly what you feel.

I think it's very brave to acknowledge that you're putting yourself out there & hoping for better things. It's so much easier to just pretend everything's exactly as you want it to be... especially when the world seems to expect you to be in control of every aspect of your life.

Bleddy 21st century. I say we go find a home in the sixteenth. See you there? :)

Sayoni Mukherjee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sayoni Mukherjee said...

beautiful thoughts and expressions...keep writing more!