Thursday, May 9, 2013

Home

I realize I've come far far away
From home.
A home that somehow I could not call my own.
Where I am now is home?
I am not so sure anymore.
When you want something dearly
And you don't get it,
It feels like a cool and practical thing to do
To claim to the world
That you don't want it.
Not having what you don't want cannot hurt you no?
And I guess when you strongly wish
To believe something
You can fool yourself into believing it too
For a bit.
But then one day you realize
That it was a forced belief
And no matter how hard you try
You still have to confront the fact
That you still don't have what you started out to get.
With that comes the realization too
That you really actually do need it.
That your life would be much better with it.
There's no denying it
Or going around it anymore.
But what really hurts is you have no idea
How and if you will get it.
You are no closer to getting it now than you were years ago.

Except, you feel like you've gone around a circle
Come back to where you started
Growing in experience
Through pain
But still with nothing tangible in your hands
To call your own
For the pain you went through.
Also, with the pain comes the knowledge
That to expose yourself to uncertainty
& to take the risk that you must necessarily take
To try to get that which you long for
Is likely to lead to more pain.
The odds are it's going to cause more hurt
Than healing going by the past experience.

I know it's intelligent to give up without trying
When you know the odds are not in your favor.
But what to do with the glimmer of hope
That I am cursed with?
How to get rid of it
Without going through disillusionment
One more time?

Time is the only answer to
How my life will turn out.
And for my Karma
I will pay.

All I want to do now
Is to find my home.
A home I can call my own
A home where I feel safe, cared for and protected.
A home that can finally take away all of the hurts
And heal me to sleep.